Family, Parenting

Dealing with Parent Guilt: Some of the Best Advice I Got

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Speaking of guilt: I’m a very avid advice seeker.  I mean, why not prevent things from happening by getting the advice to do just that, rather than fall into the same trap as others have?  And so, right after we got married, my husband and I started reaching out to our generous and loving friends who had children to ask them about their learnings and insights.  To each, we always asked: what is the one piece of advice you wish you could have given yourself?

My husband and I are also huge nerds; we have been following a couple of the major parenting blogs for quite some time now.  And the case of both our friends and of parent bloggers, one theme seems to rule them all: that of Parent Guilt.

I think any parent, however new, deals with this feeling pretty early on in their journey.  It seems inevitable, and it seems at times that Parent Guilt can even break a marriage long after the last child has long flown the nest.  It seemed to my husband and I that it was something that we had to deal with—and the sooner, the better.

We were lucky enough to get this brilliant piece of advice pretty early on during our own journey as parents, and our friend is kind enough to let me share it with readers.

Parent guilt has to be fought from the bottom up from the very beginning, which means, even before you’re pregnant, on a firm foundation of striving for excellence.

In other words:

  • Make sure that you are doing your best as soon as you decide you want children, and keep that up as much as you can. Compare yourself to only yourself; make sure you are doing a little bit better each day.  What better gift to give your child than that of your best self?
  • Don’t feel guilty about anything.   All.  Even the smallest thing can fester and become a big, gaping, emotional wound.

It sounds great, but in a world that seems to thrive on guilt, what does this process look like in a parents’ day-to-day life?

“Data,” our friend said without hesitation.  “Evidence-based guilt fighting.  You feel that you are a bad parent because of this one thing you did wrong?  Make a list of all the things you did right on the same day.  See which list is longer.  My bet is, the latter will be much, much, much longer.”

This is great advice not just for parents, but for anyone who deals with guilt.  Whatever you do, you will feel guilty if that’s the pattern of thought you choose to engage in.  So don’t let guilt in, even–or perhaps especially–with the small stuff.  It’s just not worth it.  Just think about it — do you remember the times your own mom zoned out in front of the TV, or all the times she was there playing right beside you?  My bet is you remember the latter more than the former.

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6 thoughts on “Dealing with Parent Guilt: Some of the Best Advice I Got

  1. Such an important post and so spot on. Mum guilt is something that keeps coming up in our mother’s group (our babies are 7-8 months old), and it will come over the littlest of issues. I love the idea of collecting data to support the guilt-fighting. I’m definitely going to start doing that, and passing that wisdom on to other mums I know too.
    I have a friend who has a similar saying, “Leave [it] better than before”. “It” could be anything – a person’s house you are staying at, an item you’ve borrowed from a friend, your life each day – should be better than the day before. A mantra I try to live by.

    1. Oh I love your friends’ saying! What a fantastic way to see the world and make sure that every day is a little better. Thank you so much for sharing! And based just on your blog, you are acing the whole Mom thing 😉

  2. Parent guilt is so huge. I feel incredibly guilty all the time especially yesterday when I had the day with the kids but I barely saw them as we are putting our house up for sale and I had so much to do in preparation. They were happy playing and we had a small time at the park, but still. You never stop being guilty. I like your idea of writing a list of what you did do that was good. I think we don’t do that often enough.

    1. But Suzy! You should not know anything about parent guilt — you’re such a pro, just judging by what you put on your blog (which is only a portion of what you do for your kids!) There is no hope for me then 😉 Congratulations on putting the house up for sale and securing a better future for your kids–and honestly if you just start that list, I think you will be able to fight off your guilt. You are also acing the whole mom thing!!!

    1. Oh, I didn’t think about that… It also must be hard, everything else aside, to be missing out as a parent… 🙁 How do you deal with this situation???

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