Ever wonder what the Twilight screenplay would have turned out to be in the hands of a realistic who is a bit of a cynic? Wonder no longer, because here it it!
TWILIGHT: THE REALISTIC CYNIC’S EDITION
KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON.
KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.)
Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephanie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn’t be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.
Hey honey. I’m super lame. I got you a car, but it’s totally uncool because I’m totally uncool.
Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I’ll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.
KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.
Oh my God I love your hair you’re so pretty will you be my new best friend?
GREGORY TYREE BOYCE
Can I take you out sometime since you’re so awesome?
No way you asshole, I saw her first!
I’d rather watch “The Messengers” than date either of you. Why don’t you go ask Anna instead?
Ohmigod I’m getting Kristen’s rejects, that’s so awesome!
Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl’s pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren’t well-written characters supposed to have flaws?
Read the rest here.